Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano

king: how would that help

advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what

me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]

Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.

Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can

Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…

… free of charge.

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank

me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*

Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes

*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]

friend: holly shit. everything is gone

me: i’m gonna try out for the nba

friend: what

me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it

If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

Doctors always givin me ibuprofen, b**ch give me something I can sell.

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.

Reset Password

‘CargoAndBoxer’

Your password is two shorts

Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.

I know this now.

I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe

King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going

me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–

King Tut: like a what?

me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum

The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”