Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: I’ll be right back

Me: That’s not necessary

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

Them: how does 9am sound?

Me: sounds like you’re dead to me

Mantra at the gym:

When the zombies come, cardio will matter.

Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why

Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake

If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.

[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.

Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?

Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.

[my first day on the international space station]

*grinds pepper over food*

Oh.

Oh no.

So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.

It still works 🤷🏼‍♀️

Me: How is your chicken?

Mario: It needsa salt.

Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*

Opening emails from the school.

“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them

The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?

*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*

Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

“Dark Side Tech Support.”

“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”

“Try turning the hate off & on again.”

A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.

1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.

Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning

When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.

If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.

[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”