I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
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I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft