Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.

I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.

MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once

Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?

wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job

Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.

An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.

why I oughta

[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.

Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.

When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.

Placation.

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*

I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.

Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.

[at airport Subway]

One footlong before my flight to Zurich

“American or Swiss?”

I’m flying Swiss

“I mean for cheese?”

No, for business

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing