Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
You Might Also Like
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
friend: how do u meet girls
me: I find the hottest grandma at the nursing home
me: I wait for her granddaughter to visit
friend: haha clever
me: then ask if her grandma is single
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
People who have ‘taken’ in their bio, sit tight, Liam Neeson will around to collect you shortly
Her: I think I love you
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
*orders large pizza*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.