I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

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(Family Reunion)

Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?

Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.

Me: Any chance we can remove him again?


Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.


friend: how do u meet girls

me: I find the hottest grandma at the nursing home


me: I wait for her granddaughter to visit

friend: haha clever

me: then ask if her grandma is single


Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.


[before date]

friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that


her: so tell me about y-



Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.


People who have ‘taken’ in their bio, sit tight, Liam Neeson will around to collect you shortly


[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all


*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.