@longwall26

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

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@TEXASVETERAN

Co-worker: Why did you hit me with your chair?!

Me: Because my desk is too heavy.

@pleatedjeans

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth

@aveuaskew

Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.

@jonnysun

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

@PondHockeyPro

Mechanic: Start it up and let me hear it.

*starts car

Mechanic: Oh that doesn’t sound right.

Me: THAT’S WHY I’M HERE AND NOT AT SUBWAY

@curlycomedy

Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.

@DadandBuried

80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.

@karanbirtinna

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

@Donna_McCoy

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.

@lisaxy424

1997 middle school me learning about Rome: But how could such a developed and rich society collapse so suddenly?

2017 me: oh