Co-worker: Why did you hit me with your chair?!
Me: Because my desk is too heavy.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
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My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Mechanic: Start it up and let me hear it.
Mechanic: Oh that doesn’t sound right.
Me: THAT’S WHY I’M HERE AND NOT AT SUBWAY
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
1997 middle school me learning about Rome: But how could such a developed and rich society collapse so suddenly?
2017 me: oh