I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
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Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Inside you there are two wolves
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.