I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
You Might Also Like
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Midwest trash talk
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.