I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
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Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream