Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Long job application should let me clock in to finish them

“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.

Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted

Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!

(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.

*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings

This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”

Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?

Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

*pulls away from kissing*

batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?

The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning

The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.

Life with a cat in one tweet

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for

how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one

Happiness is…

finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.

I have some bad news about people who work in offices

so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”

Choosing the correct font is crucial…

Robert the Bruce is the worst name in history. It’s like hi I’m Bob the Tom and this is my friend Todd the Ted.

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?

Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means

Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?

Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.

A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.

“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”