I know this now 😂
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Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Something Saturday.
“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs