I know this now 😂
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My kids have picture day this week, so the chances of them giving each other a black eye or cutting their own hair just increased tenfold.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
I love art.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
You can’t rush stupid.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
#ProTip
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭