I know this now 😂
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Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Not today, today.
Not today.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Start the year as you intend to continue.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
kitchen magnet
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Good Morning.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.