Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: what are you doing?

ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?

It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

– Doctors

[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon

I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.

I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.

If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you

Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?

I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”

My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.

Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked

People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work

If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.

Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.

Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.

Scavenger Hunt Party

Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.

Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.

Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?

°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?

My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:

6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.

Me: Why not?

6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.

Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.

The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.

hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button

6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you