I know this now 😂
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My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
you’re damn right i have
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Be the reason someone burns sage.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
British people
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.