I know this now 😂
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Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.