Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to

me: yea i don’t

New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.

[drive thru window]

toddler: can I say hi?

me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*

toddler: two milkshakes please

Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.

My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.

Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.

Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.

Me: OK, so my parents met in university…

T: No I mean the start of your problems.

M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…

If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.

Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset

The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”

The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.

Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars

Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks

You: I’m so hard on myself.

People on the internet: Hold my beer.

I missed my calling in advertising.

“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”

So sorry

[Doctors appointment]

Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”

10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.

Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?

oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.