I know this now 😂
You Might Also Like
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
I was just discussing this with my cat
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”