I know this now 😂
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If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
I can’t be the only one 😂
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.