Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.

I pray every night that I never become religious…

I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.

Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix

I just noticed a label on the bottom today

It’s a soup bowl

*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*

WHY would you be happy about this?

Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.

Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone

Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.

just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat

[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”

skipping every song that reminds me of him

-me, listing to the playlist i made for him

Therapist: what’s upsetting you?

Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly

Me: cry me a table, Linda

I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.

basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun

Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.

Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.

growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum

“And why did you join our gym?”

▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked

Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.

I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them

I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome