Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming

Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.

The morning after pill, but for tweets

Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.

Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.

This feels like a totally reasonable reaction

#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty

*entering first day of prison*

“Are you guys mad at me?”

PSA:

Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it

Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.

I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.

Me: Sorry, I will be out of town

Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?

Me: I’m free June 10.

Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.

Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous

Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel

I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.

Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.

Husband: It just happened.

Me: But it was in the past.

Husband: It was five minutes ago.

Me: In. The. Past.

Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.

i want enemies

Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing

I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)