Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?

Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”

Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”

Cop: …

Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.

Me: I’m pretty brave.

Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.

Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.

Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.

Me: I love these lazy Sundays.

Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!

*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*

Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!

Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok

[Me, a famous art thief]

Art Garfunkel: Please put me down

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party

serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death

me: so you’re gonna let me live

Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative

lawyer: just say you were with a friend

me: ok

[later]
cop: where were you that night?

me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend

My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon

Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.

Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

– news stations

Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?

She’s fine she’s just an idiot.

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”