Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the three best gummy flavors, together at last

RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve

the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂

Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.

Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine

My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.

Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished

Me: yes, I do!

Wife: do the laundry

Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.

Judge: how does your client plead?

Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that

I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.

My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”

Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?

Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour

I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.

trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card

I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.

People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.

After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.

Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.

Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.

Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.

Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.

It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.

“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast