I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
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Word.
~ Microsoft.
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries