Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles

Game theory professor: w- what

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!

When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.

Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?

Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)

I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”

After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:

“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.

Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate

them: are you talking to anyone?

me: yes, myself. i think we’re really hitting it off

when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.

like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.

When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower

[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]

What if you could clap with your feet?

As a child I was worried I may have a thing for lions when watching Nala’s ‘come to bed’ eyes in lion king. Never pursued this thankfully.

me and my fake scenarios

I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”

-my dog, when I wax

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.

Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

This is completely inappropriate. Where do I sign up?

“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.

My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.