Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.

Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

WAP on, WAP off

-Cardi Biyagi

Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.

*aggressively skips to my Lou*

An escape room, but it’s trying to find a specialist in your network who is less than 147 miles away.

Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied

Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.

Nothing has paid off less than learning to do the Macarena

*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

My diet starts in January

of 2027

Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.

(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.

My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes

Got drunk and hugged the Domino’s delivery driver again …. There goes that New Years Resolution.

“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.

I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”

15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.

This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!

Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”

3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then

“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies