i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
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If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
My therapist after every session
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Flight attendant alerted us to a “birthday queen” coming down the aisle and asked everyone to clap for her. The woman next to me quietly said “That was weird.”
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.