i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
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Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.