i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
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*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
trivia
