I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
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I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Autocorrect completely socks
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.