I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
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My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
🤣✨#caturday
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.