Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

Not to date myself, but nobody else will.

I love the smell of relapse in the morning

Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.

Me: 35%?!?… amateur

Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.

Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.

lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter

they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie

Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.

Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach

Ancient wolves be like:

Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.

“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times

I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.

As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”

I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.

I think this might be relevant today.

*calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

Dear Televised Sports Injury,

We saw it the first time.

Thanks.

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.

I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.