I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
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ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
A small tragedy.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party