I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
You Might Also Like
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
phew
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire