I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
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Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*