Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fitbit: Time for a walk

Me: *walks to snack machine

Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.

And also my car door.

I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.

2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it

I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing

So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns

I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said: “That’s a…big step.”

7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?

Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”

Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx

We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.

Amazon problems:

1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size

Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation

I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.

Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]

7 year old: how does he still have a job?

[Life after lockdown]

My Hairstylist: WTF

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?

Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.

If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.

Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.