I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
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Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you