I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
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If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Asserting dominance by showing up to my doctor’s appointment already in my gown from home
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Holy crap this is wonderful
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife