I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
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Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.
Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Does beer think about me too?
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.