I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
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Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
sin harder.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing