Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park

7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]

I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.

“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful

Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was

She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.

My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.

Bars should have claw machines with loose cigarettes and taquitos

My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.

My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”

nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…

*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.

I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG

7-year-old: I found a penny.

Me: Good job.

7: How many more do I need for college?

thank god the sign was there

Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.

Ketchup Packet: haha nope.

Me: come on man please.

Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.

Me: uh what?

Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.

Me: ugh fine.

[ketchup explodes everywhere]

Ketchup Packet: lol.

I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…

It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁

The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.

The 70s had it right.

Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.

Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.

accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar