Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

i’m laughing very hard in real life

I’d like to speak to America’s manager.

me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”

Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

keep your friends close but your smartphone closer

Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.

I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.

Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.

Cricket Audience: *goes wild*

Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd

DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*

ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better

SURGEON: How did you get in here

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

*at the pot store*

Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin

One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.

Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.

Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?

Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!

doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what

*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*

“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”

– said no mom, ever

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..

“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”

Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”

“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”

bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation

me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.