Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

Can. I. Help. You.

iron man: it’s not gonna work

me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel

thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me

when your pet decides to sleep on your bed

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way

me: why are you leaving me Barbar?

Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right

me: but I love you Brabra

A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”

I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.

If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…

1995: …leave it, toilets are gross

Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.

I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.

me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg

me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie

All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.

Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here

As per my last nervous breakdown

Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.

I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up

You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?

Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one

Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.

A dating app for angry people- Grumble

An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.

Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.

I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.