Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
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my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
groan^2
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Britain be like
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast