Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks

Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

Dear predictive text,

I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

*writing suicide letter

Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…

Cat: *you’re

Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.

wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!

wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?

There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season

My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ

A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.

I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting

2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*

Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?

If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless

slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.

I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.

Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.

Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls

Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex

If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

what’s really going on

My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.

Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.

Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.