Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Let me shift gears for just a second

Bus driver: Go back to your seat!

What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

it is time once again

I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids

Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”

Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners

My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”

Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.

If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something

NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.

Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.

If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes

Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.

[Kanye at pharmacy]

*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*

No one man should have all that powder!

Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.

My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.

I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER

I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.

(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)

And another thing!

They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.