i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
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Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer