I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
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I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
“Be careful. That ice is slippery” – Everyone after you slip on ice.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*