I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
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this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Me: Alexa, play music
Cop: where do you think you are?
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ