I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
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You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos