[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
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“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
When I said I liked it rough.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?