I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.
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Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.