I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.
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When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.