-Me when reading ecards on Facebook

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Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.


Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…


*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”


Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos


I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.


I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.


[Giraffes at gym]

“What do you want to work on today?”

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.

“So…neck day again”

You bet


“Something’s wrong. He’s never walked this far before.”- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.


*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?