My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
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A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Did…did a minotaur write this
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
*me flirting
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.