@bostongal12

I KNOW WHO TWEETED THAT!

-Me when reading ecards on Facebook

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@Jake_Vig

Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.

@CrissieC

Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…

@Tommytoughstuff

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

@RobertManchild

Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos

@santhonythomas

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

@chrisanna4real

I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.

@DirtMcTurd

[Giraffes at gym]

“What do you want to work on today?”

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.

“So…neck day again”

You bet

@ibid78

“Something’s wrong. He’s never walked this far before.”- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.

@KalvinMacleod

*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?