Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.

Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices

According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.

When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”

Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.

boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am

me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]

boss: [declines]

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR:

It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.

FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN

Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.

Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence

I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.

Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!

things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton

the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat

“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”

Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake

“So you haven’t?”

Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there

Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅

God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish

[NYE]

ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*

OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair

If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.

I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun

Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.