I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
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If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).