I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?
We do, now.
(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
