I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
a realtor showing you an absolutely unusable space in a house: how cool is that?
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
