I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
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Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
