I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
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me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.