“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
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[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Best seat on the street 😍
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?