“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
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Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Fluff me with a fork baby
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
How to find Kentucky on a map
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Eating for two.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”