“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
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[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial