Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP

2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank

1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing

Batman – utility belt.

Homer Simpson – futility belt.

“Check engine”

Yep, it’s still there.

I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.

The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing

I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

*limbos under the caution tape

*at July 4th cookout*

3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?

Me: [explains the concept of a country]

3:

3: So where is she? Does America have legs?

Me:

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”

[Zoo, bird show]

“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”

*bird headbutts window 50 times*

Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.

I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this

Some people see the glass as half empty.

I see it as the reason I have to pee.

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.

Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.

After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.

Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.

Me: Not until you turn the heat down.

No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.

[traffic court]

Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets

JUDGE: Repeat infractions?

Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets

A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.

Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.

[Frat party]

Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-

CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.

Me: What did you do at school today?

My kid: Nothing.

School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*

BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*

Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!

Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?

Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes