“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
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My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.