I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
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No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for