Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?

A catchupino.

#RubbishJokes

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.

*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*

I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.

Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat

My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home

Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL

My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.

Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.

him: damn girl you’re hot

me (menopausal): I know. it sucks

Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.

friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally

[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body

the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂

hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button

Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.

[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*

If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.

This may be my favorite dog video ever.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit

“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”

My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

Hey! This isn’t my car!

if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water

Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up

Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?

W: Oddly specific but yes

Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry

Apparently, this is how the world ends.