Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”

COPS: We know you killed him

ME: I didn’t do it!

COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*

ME: wait no

MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.

“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.

My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with

My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

[feeding baby Malaysian food]

“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*

*spoon just disappears*

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined

Owl Sanctuary

When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day

TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them

judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands

Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?

I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.

therapist: what’s your greatest fear

me: randomly going blind

therapist: i see

me: but for how long?

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.

Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.

Ma’am…

(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)

I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.