“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
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Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
The point of your 20s
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
*3.5 thank you very much.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.