“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
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Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”