Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!

If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.

Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things

Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.

When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

Husband: *sleeping soundly*

Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.

[plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.

Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.

My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.

Me: Nope.

Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!

~Vodka

*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*

when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total

I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs

My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.

Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!

Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.