I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
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*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
me adding lol on a serious message
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!