I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
You Might Also Like
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.